iMessage
It takes more and more from me each day not break and reach for you.
What if I do, and I don't like the answer I recieve?
I keep thinking about if you truly intend to follow through with what you kept promising to me.
I wonder about how much of your promises are lies by means of omission. I wonder what your life will look like 6 months from now. Did you really mean all the things you said?
I know none of it is my business anymore. And I guess when I leave this place, I suppose I will have my answer. I don't know if that me will even want the answers anymore.
But present me is barely able to hold myself together at all. I feel paralyzed by the thought of you. I am not asking the universe to teach me to let you go, I know that simply isn't an option. Just.. please. Soften the agony that comes along with a love that will never be. Balance the sorrow that threatens to overwhelm me.
I get it, okay? This is my punishment for holding on. For refusing to let go.
So... I guess the only option I have left is to somehow get stronger.
So that I may continue to carry the weight of this love without losing myself in the process.
Because I am starting to realize that none of it really matters. It doesn't matter if you keep your promises. It doesn't matter if I never get the answers.
I will still bare the responsibility of figuring out how to hold onto this love that I refuse to let go of.
~\ Even in my journey to sobtiety, I have never been faced with such a harrowing experience of desperately negotiating with my mind and heart to not reach out for you.
I am not okay.
I suppose I just need to work on my Self Control.
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