iMessage
D, It’s been weeks, and somehow, I still keep thinking about messaging you. There are so many times I’ve opened our conversation, wanting to say something, then stopped myself because I’m scared you won’t reply. I think that’s what hurts the most; the thought that maybe talking to me isn’t something you want anymore.
I just want to tell you how I really feel, even if I’m scared of what comes after. I’m sorry for always detaching, for suddenly becoming distant, for acting like I don’t care. The truth is, I do. Probably more than I should. Sometimes I pull away because I don’t know what else to do with everything I’m feeling. I get scared that I’m becoming too attached, that I’m expecting something you never promised me, or that I’m just going to end up ******* ******.
But I also felt you pulling away whenever we talked too much, and that made me even more confused. I didn’t know if I should keep reaching out or leave you alone. So I kept going back and forth wanting to talk to you, then forcing myself to stay quiet.
When I messaged you to ask if you were okay, I guess I was really just testing the waters. I wanted to know if there was still a little space for me in your life without actually having to ask you. I was hoping you’d give me a reason to stay.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to put anything on you. I just don’t want to keep pretending that I’m okay with everything when I’m not.
I miss talking to you. I miss feeling like I could reach out without having to think a hundred times about whether I should. And as much as I’ve tried to detach, a part of me is still here, still hoping that maybe you want to talk to me too.
I don’t know what this means to you. I just know what it means to me, and I’m finally tired of hiding it.
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