Unsent text message to John

Well, at least a small portion of it.

I don’t know why it took me so long, and I have the urge to apologize for that, but a straightforward communication of it would have been preferable.

You most likely moved on a long time ago, you aren’t bothered, you aren’t mad or happy. You are indifferent. I must say however, you…

It takes more and more from me each day not break and reach for you.

What if I do, and I don't like the answer I recieve?

I keep thinking about if you truly intend to follow through with what you kept promising to me.

I wonder about how much of your promises are lies by means of omission. I wonder what your life will…

I always wanna be with you. And I know you’ll never text me again because too much has happened between us, but I just can’t let go.

Please remember that I’ve loved you forever and please don’t forget about all the good things we did together.

Ily

I reached out to you once more. I am leaving now. I can’t be around anymore. I cause pain and everyone hates me. You are right. I’m a terrible human. I hope you find peace in my acknowledgement of this. My behaviors are wrong and I can’t control myself. I am ill. Mentally and no one cares enough to help just blame me…

Do you think you could have softened? It would have been impossible in there. For a while, that was all I dreamed about. You—gentle. I felt so close to you at times in that place. I know now that you forced it, manufactured it. But you were vulnerable too. After I learned there was a strategy, I felt so used and…

I feel everything. You. Your emotional weight. It’s so heavy, it’s painful. You shouldn’t be using me for my energy. Love me for me not how I make you feel. Let me go. You’re giving me a headache!