Unsent text message to Alyssa

Never wanted too much. Just to be understood, so that i may understand. But as it goes your love is transactional, and the people intended to guide me never had direction to begin with. Nor wanted it, so why should it impact me?

There were times I just tried to make it through the day so I pushed myself not to think about you, not to text you, to show restraint. You weren’t talking to me, why would I talk to you? And then there’s the fact that I love you more than I love myself. I’d burn the world down to be with you and I used to think you…

Hey.

I just wanted you to know I always check the weather in your town and worry when it's rough out.

I always hope you got home safe. I worry about whether you're eating properly, if your insomnia has worsened, if you still get migraines.

Stay safe, pony boy.

Are you hiding your online status because you think I'll be tempted to message you?

You don't need to hide it. I said I don't want to cause trouble, and I meant it. I will not send a message unless you send one for me to respond to.

However, it occurs to me that when you turn it off, the status of others is hidden from…

Still.

Not music from before. Not music from the first time. Not music from after. Not music from again. Not music from during. Not music for now, the new after. Not music we heard together. Not music I heard alone. Not music I see you’ve added to a playlist (I still check sadly enough).

Not rap. Not chill. Not…

I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you to death and it hurts knowing I’d never be with you again. I miss you baby, I think about all the moments we shared together and I wonder if you think about those times too.