iMessage
I don’t know how much more of this pain I can withstand. Every time I reached for you, each time- you ran away, kicking, screaming, livid with my audacity- calling me schizophrenic, bipolar, insane, to get help, to book myself a bed in the looney bin. Insulted my intelligence, made a joke of my confessions. Made me question my sanity and reality. Left me alone, confused and heartbroken. Every time, I opened up you to about love, every-time you laughed at my face or expressed annoyance, irritation, anger and as if I tried to exploit your bouderies and turned me down as if my existence disgusted you. The only words you’ve allowed yourself to express and state clearly was - how you wanted me to stop texting/calling and disturbing your peace. Begging me not find new ways to connect with different apps on socials. That I was imagining things and overstepping boundaries and crossing lines for daring to love you. Finally, disappearing and blocked me everywhere as the final act of rejection. Cementing how much you disliked me. So I try and try and try harder every night, every day never to bring up how much I have loved you and still do. I don’t hold any grudges. I forgive you. Because, I realized finally; the enemy was never you, it always was Me and still continues to be Myself . I am the one exclusively responsible for having delusional expectations, for completely making a Joke out of myself and treating myself with unlimited disrespect. And most of all, for letting myself down. I was all me.
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