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and suddenly, achieving anything in life feels pointless when i can’t tell you about it and hear you say you’re proud of me. i hope you liked the funeral, i didn’t feel you there but hope you were watching. i feel utterly alone in this world without you. i can talk about how i should have been there more but i was being hurt by everyone i loved, including you. i tried my best to be strong for you, but i’ve understood that i will always feel like i could have done more. maybe this is how you felt about me but you were never able to express it. you said there was always a room in your home for me if i ever wanted to come back, i want to come back now dad but you’re not there. i walked through the door and i didn’t hear you say “hi babes”. it’s cold and empty. i’ll make you a roast, whatever meat you want. i’ll work out why the remote isn’t working. i’ll write that email for you. ask me to order you a mcdonald’s breakfast at 2am. say something, anything, please. i need to hear your voice again. not how it was in the hospital, how you always were. strong and stubborn. i never asked you to pick me up from the middle of nowhere in the night because i made a stupid choice, but i feel like getting lost somewhere so i can call you to pick me up in your van. the one that was crushed in the accident. i saw that you printed a picture of it and placed it in your living room, mourning the loss of your independence. your drivers license. your world. i’m sorry i wanted you to retire, i wanted you to live a safe life. you were falling at work, you had a heart attack. i worried about you like you worried about me. i don’t think i can last much longer in this life without you. you might have felt alone in all that time when all the life changing things happened to you, but i was mourning with you. you just didn’t see it because i was trying to be strong and sort everything out for you. i wish i was a son so i could have been stronger for you. but i’m emotional. fragile. my period started on the day of your funeral and the cramps were awful, i’ve never wanted to rip my uterus out of my body till that day. i just began to have faith in god again and trust his plan but then you left.
till we meet again, your babes x
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