iMessage
You have no idea how badly I want to respond. But none of the reasons are good. They're selfish, curious, an inkling of toying with you, you goddamn idiot. So here I'm writing partially the letter and a bit of how I anticipate your response. Because I know in my bones replying is a bad decision.
(Name),
Here's the thing. You weren't my first boyfriend or even first love. You feel more prominent because of the impact you left but it's a ghost and not a poltergeist. Know what I'm saying?
Spoiler: it isn't positive.
You said you're sorry for what you did to me- I'm tempted to ask for the specifics. Because I'm fairly certain you're unaware that I know you slept with her. Was it the forceful way you handled me? The way you berated me over MSN [showing my age here] the way you'd come back to reconnect, only to find something else to be angry about? Perhaps almost hitting my head and punching walls several times?
Are you actually sorry? That's the crux of this. Because I can't rightly know. The evidence suggests that you're looking for a way back in. The person I am now, there's no way you could touch me... But I also know I would toy with you. We're just different monsters, you and I. Fostering my wicked streak isn't a good idea.
And above all... You're gone. Erased. There are no remnants of you I cling to. A lesson learned, sure. But among the plethora of harsher growing pains, you barely scale.
I want to put you down. That's my problem. It's better I don't respond. I'd give you that ease if I was capable but the gentility and sweetness I had has morphed into vengeance and that just isn't fair to either of us.
So I'll say this:
I don't forgive you but I'm not harboring the grudge. I'm doing well- I make stuff, rekindled an old friendship, found the pattern in my limerence and I've been with my partner for eleven years. I have a cat. I have a house. I like who I am and I no longer suffer as much from my depression.
I'm good, dude.
Bye.
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