iMessage
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't stay and let you punish me by isolating and ghosting me for weeks on end. If I'd known...yeah I probably still would have come back. And somehow....Ren Faire was still worth it.
I'm sure you don't care. You probably moved on. I unblocked you...again. Not because I think you'd see this...no. I hope you don't. I hope you don't because I already gave do much vulnerability and try for you two who didn't care. I felt safe with the two of you. And happy. And I am fooling myself to even imagine I was more than a game.
No, I just adored you, even the bits that kept running away, that couldn't be brave.
And maybe it's just that I don't trust myself. Raised by a narcissist, I don't trust my reality. If I did. Maybe then, K, I could have trusted and made that move you needed for you to believe i wanted you. Maybe then, P, I could have stood strong and trusted she'd come back in the first place.
The door is never closed. I told you that before. Even if I'm the fool I'll always hope and care. Want you back. Want to try again.
Given the chance, knowing now how little of them there ever were and knowing just how much I regret not using them...yeah I'd make the first move if I ever saw you again.
I'll go take my stupid shower with popsicles and probably honestly cry again. Knowing that I tried and told you these things and you just didn't care.
Turns out I can't live in fantasy when you actually exist...
Don't worry. I'm used to being the stupid little girl left behind, wishing she wasn't. Tears in her eyes...laughed at as she realizes she was just a toy once again.
Stupid as I feel for ever letting myself feel it,
I love you. I always will.
A
Message Unsent