iMessage
I have realized that I need to complete remove myself from your orbit. I start hoping again when we start talking, flirting, texting. But none of that changes your actions. The long periods of silence and you not making time for me. I can't wait or hope or even talk to you. The only way to not re-live my past pain with you is not to ever look back. For me to just walk away, forever. It sounds very final but I understand why "no contact" is the only way to heal.
I try to be nice and sweet, but every time I'm intimate or vulnerable or tell you what's important or my needs are, you shut down and ignore me.
I can't anymore. Truly. We have been off and on for 15 years now but its been long enough. I have to have my boundaries and respect myself enough. I can't be in your orbit when you don't tell me things or make me even a priority in your life. I'm fed up with the excused and being stringed along. It feels like **** and it is a toxic cycle again and again. The intensity, then the quiet/going silence, then the coming back as if nothing happened. I don't live in that intensity the way you do, to me things are continuous and I can't be on your terms or have me carry all the weight while you just feel things those specific days or hours. I can't turn it off and on. We are wired differently. And we are not compatible.
I'm finally saying it out loud, we are not compatible. You hurt me and I can't. I deserve better. It is not worth my time or energy or tears. I love you but I have to walk away.
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