iMessage
Something completely stupid happened and my first thought was “I need to tell you this.”
Then I remembered I don't really get to do that anymore.
Which is such a weird thing to get used to.
I can go through an entire day without thinking about you and then some tiny thing will happen and suddenly you're right there again.
A song.
A joke.
Something someone says that I know you would've made fun of.
And for a second I forget that we're not like that anymore.
I still type things sometimes.
Not even serious things.
Just “look at this”
or
“you would hate this”
or
“remember when we...”
Then I delete it.
I don't know what I miss more.
You, or how easy everything used to feel when I could just tell you whatever was in my head without wondering whether I was allowed to anymore.
I think that's the part nobody really tells you about losing someone.
It's not always the huge moments.
Sometimes it's just having something happen and realizing there's one person you can't tell anymore.
Anyway.
I'm not sending this.
Obviously.
I just needed somewhere to put it.
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