Unsent text message to Joshua

Do you know how much pain this situation has caused me? I actually hope that you don't. I don't wish for you to feel bad.

I cried myself to sleep for two months while knowing that you are lying next to her. I think it's strange that even during all that sadness, I could not forget about the happy memories I have of…

I thought I was doing so well. I hadn’t reached out in almost 3 months. And then this morning I was looking for an email I sent and saw an email I sent last weekend in the middle of the night to you. I had taken an Ambien and don’t remember even typing the message, much less sending it. I am so mad at myself. I’m glad…

i told you. I told you from the beginning not to say things you don’t mean. But you said them anyway. And eventually i began to believe you. I believed you when you said i was the one you wanted all along. I believed jt when you said you wanted a life with me. That was so scary for me. No one ever loved me like you…

I wonder if you have found me here.. you will know it's me. That's fine though, I am writing these to you. I think I will delete this account soon though. But in case you are reading now, there is something on my mind today..

Does everyone know what is going on but me? All the neighbours? Everyone hiding it from me…

I guess that's it. I'm exhausted. feels like this thing has drained the life out of me.

I feel like an idiot for loving you, even when you gave your attention to other guys who didn’t treat you well. Then tell me about them and how much they hurt you. I wanted to give you the life we talked about. I wanted to do more than just be there. I was in a toxic marriage I shouldn’t have been in. You were living…