Unsent text message to Christopher

Omg I’ve never felt it this viscerally. Feeling it in my heart, my stomach, my…. I think about you in your glasses and remembering your long hair sticking to your sweaty neck… I just know your scent and taste would be so addictive. I know you’re out there dating and tell me about it but god I wish it were me. I miss…

I saw you today , my heart skipped a beat and I felt it . I know you were with someone , no, it’s not easy to see you with someone .

I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wish I was beside you .

But , here I am pining for the lost love . I know I’m this doesn’t mean much to you , but I still think of you everyday and…

I made my heart understand that stalking him won’t change anything or give me the answers I need. If he wants to do something, he will. And if he doesn’t, no amount of checking will change that. For once, I’m choosing my peace over my curiosity. Maybe healing is just learning to let go of what we can’t control.

Why are you so hard to reach?

Why is it so easy to get you to laugh, but so difficult to get you to talk about what matters?

Why can we spend hours talking about nothing and somehow never arrive at the things I wish I understood?

I've handed you pieces of my heart, and you respond with a joke…

You all left bigger thorns in my side than I'd ever anticipated, or with which I was ever willingly to sympathize. I don't know how they got there, without my having surmised, that you would leave such damage, such pain...In a place that held no patience for lies.

No... You were monsters just there, plainly, in front…

I know I messed up, I'm so sorry please.... 💔