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i know that if i was with you, all i would be able to think about is if you’re gonna do to me what you did to —-. if you’d speak about me the way you spoke about her to me. if you meant it when you told her you’d never change. i struggle to see a world with you where i’d be sure i’m the only one. i’m sure about you, but you need 4 months to figure out if you’re sure about me. i’d feel like i was throwing the chance of us away if i started seeing someone else right now, but keeping your options open on this trip, knowing we may never speak again, is genuinely more important to you than me being in your life at all. that hurts. you said all the right things to make me feel special but it is abundantly clear that i am not. you gave me so much hope that morning when you talked about how you wanted to be with me when you come back with so much optimism that this trip would work. but the circumstances are the same. unless i am missing something i’m having a hard time seeing how this benefits me at all because right now im just hurting. i think if this was meant to be it would have just been. every time we’re good, something happens and we aren’t talking anymore. i just wish we felt the same way about each other. i’m not sure what to do, —-. i don’t want to lose you permanently. i miss when we were just best friends, before all of this happened. i’m so lucky to have had a friend like you the past 3 years. but i also don’t want to do this. i need someone who wants me now. who, even if i have to wait a few months to talk to them again, is sure about me and doesn’t need others to keep them occupied in the meantime. it’s all or nothing right now.
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