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Every time I open the chat I just stare at it unsure on what to say. I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed with fear.
I can't seem to find the right words to say.
I love you. I never stopped loving you.
I know I ****** up. I know and for the past 2 years I've been hating myself for leaving you like this.
I never knew my message wasn't delivered. I didn't know you messaged me. We both realised we left each other on delivery once we "accidentally" met. We saw each other but I feel like this half drunk conversation explained nothing.
I thought you never replied because you wanted to cut me off and I had to respect your choice.
You thought I ghosted you, because the text never delivered.
None of us called. None of us reached out.
But when I finally saw you almost 2 weeks ago I felt it all. Your anger. Your sadness. Disappointment. Insecurities. Your rage.
How you said you wanted me dead at some point.
I saw how much it hurt you. Saying "I'm sorry" won't heal **** now but I said it anyway because **** I am sorry. I can't stand seeing you suffer. I can't. It breaks me.
I was really hoping you moved on, found someone you're happy with that gave you what I couldn't at that moment..
I worked on myself since that misunderstanding took place. I really did.
But everything else that happened around me during those 2 years; it broke me. I'm just a shell of who you used to know.
I never found a "new one" to replace you. How could I replace you. I tried to seek the comfort you gave me in other people but that never compared to you. I looked for the same passion for life that you had and found nothing. When I opened the door for someone so rich in character yet so warm and understanding I was met with deep silence. I tried to occupy my head with someone else but how could I when my heart was still where you stand.
I don't know if you'd even want this back; I'm not the same human anymore nor do I remember who I really was back then. I still struggle with running away because you deserve so much more and I have so little to give away now.
But those words you said when we recently met really stuck with me.
When I said "I didn't want to take you down the spiral with me. I felt it coming. Now look at me. I'm just a shell. I knew this was gonna happen. I felt it was getting bad"
You said "It wouldn't get that bad if I was there with you"
.. you're right.
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