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I’ve said some really horrible things to people I cared about. Not because I hated them. Not because I actually meant every word. I said them because I was angry. And somehow that makes it worse. Because they were just words to me in that moment, but they might have become memories for someone else. Maybe someone went home and cried because of something I said. Maybe someone still remembers those words. Maybe someone who once felt safe with me started questioning their worth because I was too angry to control my mouth. And I hate knowing that I might have become a painful memory in someone’s life. I wish anger came with a rewind button. I wish I could go back to those moments, shut myself up, take a breath, and just say, “I’m hurt right now. I need some time.” Instead, I chose words that I knew would hurt. And once words leave you, they don’t come back. I’ve apologized where I could. But sometimes an apology feels so small compared to the damage you caused. I’m not writing this because I want anyone to tell me I’m a good person. Honestly, I don’t feel like one right now. I just want to admit that I was wrong. I’m learning that being angry doesn’t excuse cruelty. Being hurt doesn’t give you permission to hurt someone else. Some people might forgive me. Some might never want me in their lives again. And I have to learn to live with both. I just hope that the person I become from this point forward is kinder than the person I was when I said those things. Because if I could take anything back, it would be the moments where someone loved me enough to stay and I made them regret it.
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