iMessage
When you first reopened the door I thought maybe this was going to be a new step forward for us having any type of connection. I felt excited and hoped for things to work out in the best possible way. Then when you changed your mind and you mentioned the past it really stung. It’s not like I didn’t want to give you all the explanations and reasons why I believed things could be different, I just wanted to respect your feelings. I don’t regret that decision; if you had wanted to talk about it together or if you wanted reassurance, you would’ve said so. So here I am, I won’t say heart broken but I will say my heart aches. The familiar feeling of having to let you go, yet again, after I had just recovered from doing it the first time. I’ll admit it’s a lot less painful than before and it feels good to know I’ve grown stronger. The emotions ebb and flow like the ocean, some days it’s easy and some days it’s a little more trying. Today I had a moment where I thought of you and I felt anger. I started to think about some negative interactions we’ve had in the past. I heard my thoughts go “yeah let’s just remind ourselves why it didn’t work out before.” And for just a second I listened to that thought and agreed that was the way to move on. Just be angry. But then I remembered that’s not who I am anymore. I don’t want to replace the soft hope I have for you with resentment. I’m not going to use your worst moments or your mistakes as fuel to not miss you or think about you. Instead I’ll sit with these feelings. I’ll embrace the love I had for you like an old friend. I’ll smile at the memories of us being goofy. I’ll reflect on the mistakes I made or the negative reactions I had to the mistakes you made. I believe that every experience is an opportunity for growth. I know that’s what this is, and I’m grateful for it.
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