Unsent text message to Joshua

I miss you so much hamza. Where are you my love? Why do you have to stay there where you are so stressed and not really free? Why do you put up with that feeling as if it is a necessary part of your life? I go around and around just to end up wanting you and only you. I hope you stay safe forever. Stay safe and wholly…

Acceptance.

I know you're with her, and I think to myself, maybe it's for the best. It probably is. You deserve someone that could be there for you. Someone strong enough. Someone whole and completed.

I won't always be here, even if I am. I'll go stand in the corner, eyes low and accepting. It's weird, knowing you'd be…

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. no not anymore? ha ha ha ha. scary cat. ha ha ha ha.

We have been there for you. Best friends. We shared everything. We supported you - when other friends were terrible to you, called you names, criticized your parenting, fought constantly with you. We watched you time and time again go back to these friends until finally they crossed a line that could not be undone. We…

I did feel a "click", or whatever that means.

I would have been willing to go through the pain if it meant experiencing the good parts.

About that day: I know what you mean. There are certain memories of that day which are stuck in my mind.

My mind has been a jumble too. I find it's worse when we haven't been speaking…

I like you. I really like you. I just don’t think our communication styles kind up. I want to know what you’re doing through your the day, if you’re thinking of me, to be told when you’re busy. I want you to want that too. So asking for it seems a bit disingenuous. You also don’t ask me many questions about myself. I…