Unsent text message to Natalie

Hey J, I meant the thank yous

My last message to you where I listed every way you hurt me started by thanking you for each one wasn’t meant to make you feel bad. I meant every thank you.

I left our roller coaster with appreciation for the good and the bad. I chose myself instead of waiting for you to choose me.

However…

I just want to hold you.. I just want to hear your voice... I just want you to make me feel like im a part of your life, not just somebody who you run to when your life falls apart... id gladly be anything you want and need but you increasingly make me feel like im nothing more than a bother... maybe one day the woman…

It's been 4 years now. Since the last time I saw your smile. Since I felt your warmth. Since I had everything I could ever want in a wife. Since we got each other sober. We were each others reason to do better. We were each others new high....

Since the worst pain I've ever felt. Since the betrayal that would equal a…

I wish you could some how innerstand exactly what my feelings are for you, it literally pains me to not know what my place is in your life. The love I feel for you is more than just physical, emotional and spiritual, this love is something I don't know how to explain or express to you except through being there as…

I'm letting go. Please leave me alone. Just go.

what I really wanted was a light on things. and what you gave me? nothing. I still want to get married. I still want you. but you’re giving me.. scraps