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When my heart and mind are in turmoil, all I can think about are the "what ifs." It drives me crazy. It gives me that same discomfort, same sense of dread as that one poem by Sylvia Plath does--Fig Tree. I probably think about that poem way too often.
Since it's gotten to the point where it's been unbearable to keep it to myself, I'll put it out there. My raw, unfiltered thoughts. From now on, it's in the universe's hands to do...whatever it needs to do to lead me down the correct road.
Welcome to My Forbidden Planet of 'What If's (You Knew Ver.)
What if you knew how I actually felt? Not the few snippets I showed on the Internet when I tried to seem over it. Fake it 'til you make it.
What if you knew I had to leave because staying was too painful? And if I had, after all that, I would have hated myself.
What if you knew that after I left, I vowed to myself I would never look for you again, never see anything again? And I kept it.
What if you knew that in those many months apart, I never looked at a single post, video, or picture? Nothing and nowhere. I didn't even listen to the music. I still haven't.
What if you knew it was because I was too afraid of what I would see after I saw that collection of sad, farewell songs? I couldn't believe that was your answer. And just like that, there was mine too.
What if you knew I searched for you once, only once, to look up the lyrics and I regretted it instantly? I hadn't realized I wasted your time. You clearly moved on, and so should I.
What if you knew the only place I ever allowed myself to search for you was here? A shameful, guilty pleasure.
What if you knew I chose this platform because the chances were so minuscule and improbable? Yet somehow I found you everywhere. And found you. And found you. And I found you.
What if you knew what was going through my head right now? I get the feeling it's the same chaos as yours. We are still aligned.
What if you knew despite everything, despite my best efforts, despite how much my pride screams, "NO," my feelings haven't changed? I pathetically still want you. And I've missed you.
What if you knew how many times I hesitated posting this? I'm still scared. I'm still hurt.
What if you knew I have so much more to say and I am trying but I need to know you will show up for me this time? The real you.
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