iMessage
I miss you.
I’ve tried to find a more dignified way of saying that, but there isn’t one. I just ******* miss you.
It’s been eight weeks and there are still days when the absence of you feels enormous. Today is one of them. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss your body and your stupid face and the way it felt when we were just us, before everything became so complicated. I miss Thailand. I miss the forest. I miss lying next to you. I miss all the tiny, ordinary things that probably meant more to me than I realised at the time.
And I know why I walked away. I know why I asked for space. I know that loving somebody doesn’t automatically make a relationship workable, and I know I couldn’t keep accepting something that hurt me just because losing you hurt more.
But knowing all of that doesn’t make me love you less. I think that’s the part I’m still learning to live with.
Some part of me will probably always love you, D. Not because I’m waiting for you, and not because I think I’m supposed to. Just because what I felt for you was real. You mattered to me enormously. You still do.
And the thought that you might meet somebody else — that someone else might get the version of you I wanted so badly, that you might fall in love with her and be completely happy without me — absolutely ******* devastates me sometimes.
I hate admitting that. I wish I were detached enough not to care.
But I care.
I wonder whether you miss me. I wonder whether something happens and your first instinct is still to tell me. I wonder whether you ever almost message me. I wonder whether Thailand crosses your mind, or the forest, or those last strange weeks where we clearly loved each other and somehow still couldn’t find a way to make it work.
And sometimes I wonder whether I cross your mind at all. I don’t need anything from you tonight. I’m not asking you to come back. I’m not even sending this.
I just needed somewhere to say that I loved you. I loved you when I left, too.
And today, I really ******* miss you.
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