Unsent text message to Anthony

I’m a man on a mission,

with nothing left to lose,

I take every beautiful thing

and find a way to bruise.

I build myself a doorway,

then I nail the damn thing shut,

I beg the world to save me

while I’m tearing myself up.

I know exactly where it ends,

I’ve memorised the scene

I turn the ones who love me

into ghosts of what they’ve been.

I wear my pain like armour,

then complain it weighs me down,

play the victim so convincingly

I almost wear the crown.

I chase the ache I swore I hated,

I keep feeding every flame,

because somewhere in the wreckage

there’s comfort in the blame.

I sabotage the sunlight,

then curse the dark for staying,

I destroy the things I pray for

and call it fate when they’re fading.

Maybe I don’t want saving.

Maybe I’m afraid to heal.

Maybe misery feels safer

when it’s something I can feel.

So I keep choosing heartbreak,

keep returning to the pain

I burn every bridge behind me

then wonder why it rains.

And every time I whisper,

“Someone please set me free,”

there’s a voice beneath the silence

saying, you’re the one holding the key.

I’m sick of being this person,

sick of watching myself fall,

sick of being my own enemy,

then blaming it on them all.

So let the truth come ugly.

Let it crawl out from beneath:

I wasn’t always the victim

sometimes I was the thief.

I stole the peace from good hearts.

I poisoned what was pure.

I called it love and desperation

when it was something much less sure.

And maybe that's the darkest part

there's no villain left to blame.

Just me and every consequence

still whispering my name.

I wanted love like a fire,

but I kept feeding it regret.

Now I stand inside the ashes

of everything I couldn't let.

And if tomorrow brings me mercy,

I don't know if I'll believe

because I've spent so long becoming

the very thing I couldn't leave.