Unsent text message to Ella

All I said on my message was how are you 😔

My mind has been at war with itself. One side says, you care. The other says, if I didn’t wake up tomorrow, you’d be unaffected.

I keep asking the same questions over and over:

Why wasn’t I worth a goodbye? Why wasn’t I worth the truth? Why wasn’t I worth a text back? A…

I am still baffled by the decisions you made.

I loved you so deeply. I thought I knew how to love someone, but I learned how deeply I could actually love someone when you showed up. Now I know what I am capable of, and unfortunately, I know what you are capable of.

I could never do to you what you did to me. I could…

That usually means you're either on vacation, or something bad has happened. This isn't the time of year you go on vacation, and I'm worried. I have an idea of what might have happened, and I want to support you but I can't. I think it might make it worse for both of us. I love you, and I miss you.

To heal. It’s been too long.

I loved you so much I let myself be blind to what you were actually like, the stories of your ex the way you hate people staring too long and the way you move like you don’t want to be seen, I saw you and accepted it, you are a villain and I’ll alway know the truth about you and I’m happy others have opened their eyes…

Hi, its been way too long since I've had the pleasure of hearing your sigh or laugh. I cant place this feeling somewhere between grief and appreciation tied to homesickness for your embrace. What I wouldnt give to have you roll your eyes at my ridiculousness one more time... You've been in my heart far longer than I…