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We did everything together. We moved across the country together, then back again because we missed mom and dad. Lived together as adults, partied pretty damn hard together. But you were always there for me. You were the one I called, the one I knew I could lean on. We did that for each other.
Then you got sick. Beginning stages of liver failure. But you kept drinking. I got sober. I said "we partied together, let's get sober together". You said you didnt have a problem and didnt need help. I stayed sober, you kept drinking. You changed so much, said and did things that the real you never would have. Then you said things to me, hurtful things I never imagined I would hear you say. You got even sicker. It was hard to watch, and hurtful to listen to, so I distanced myself from you for the first time in our lives. Then the hospital called. Because of your liver failure, your blood was no longer clotting. After falling and hitting your head, you had a brain bleed. There was nothing they could do. You were on life support for two days. I held your hand when they took you off. I watched your heart stop beating, even though I was screaming at you to breathe! Then that was it. One second you were here, then you were gone. Gone. Gone? You cant be gone! This happens to other people, not us. But it did happen, and you were really gone.
A massive part of me died with you that day. I regret not being there when you needed me the most. I wish I could take that back. Do you know how many times I picked up my phone to call and tell you about this, or that? Only to realize, I can't call you anymore. There are pictures of you everywhere. I didnt realize, when we were taking all of those pictures together through the years, that one day I would be using those pictures for a slide show at your memorial. I talk to you every day, wishing you would respond. Because I am so scared that I am going to forget the sound of your voice. And it would be nice to know that you are "there".
I am so sorry I wasnt there toward the end. I miss you in an enormity that has left me empty and numb. I wish I could go back and change so many things. But I cant. I wish I could call you, but I cant. I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything is going to be OK. But I cant.
I just hope that where ever you are, you are finally at peace.
I love you, and I am so thankful that I got to grow up with you as my big sister.
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