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made me miss you extra today. I napped in my hammock and daydreamed you were driving by out of curiosity, saw me bundled up, and came over and kissed me full on the mouth.
In another fantasy, you come to me and sweep me into your arms. You kiss all of your love into me and I feel it. I understand, and it is bigger than words.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I would allow it IRL. I would make you unburden yourself to me first. I would make you use words and be explicit about your thoughts and feelings, our time apart, what you’ve learned, what you regret. And confessions too for the things I don’t know, but kept showing up again and again post breakup: seven of swords and The Devil. What were you hiding from me?
I miss you all the same. I feel like I am dying of a broken heart. When I left in such a rage it was like a huge backdraft blowing out of control, but in the aftermath, piles of soggy ash. Spark gone out. And then one betrayal after another.
I wish you had been more careful with my heart. I wish I had been more careful with yours. I wish you would have shared what was in your heart with me, without minimizing it or feeling embarrassed by it. When you did that, I felt like you were minimizing me, embarrassed of me. You really did have all of me. That’s why it hurt so much to feel minimized and unwanted.
There is something very childlike in me that is so so wounded by your haughtiness, defensiveness and silence. I don’t know how or why it is this way, but with you I am disarmed. I am 5 years old again: defenseless, eager to please, and full of romantic dreams that evaporate with the dawn. Is it like that for you too?
On crisp fall days like today, I still dream of a quiet life with you. A nice hike in the woods. A remote campsite nestled amongst the trees. Hot cocoa warming us as we cuddle together beneath a dark sky resplendent with stars.
Maybe it’s all the moments we will never have together that keep me in mourning. The tenderness rises again. Maybe this will be the last stretch of hurt before it fades to a graceful gone?
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