Unsent text message to Robert

hey friend, Is that weird? Calling you that, I mean. Somewhere along the way, I decided that if I couldn’t have you the way a part of me wanted, maybe I could at least aim for friendship. Is that okay? I don’t know how well I’m doing. I still get butterflies when I see your name, your face, or anything that reminds me…

Don’t you ever think for a second I ever forgot what you all did. You are disgraceful, I cant believe you were capable of doing such things to me. You won’t ever be forgiven.

I wrote this watching you sleep by the fire, listening to the storm outside and the rain falling heavy, keeping rhythm with your breath.

It made me think about you. About us. About how you came into my life and, day by day, became so much of what I needed simply by being your imperfect self. Sitting here beside you, I…

Once upon a time, I'd have been so proud of you. But this pain is deeper than that pride could have ever been.

I wanted what was best for you, and you showed zero capacity for improvement ... right up until I was erased.

Congrats on the growth.

Proof that I just wasn't worth changing for…

What happened? What did I do wrong? We talked every day for over a year and now you’re ghosting me as if I were nothing to you. I’m extremely worried about you because my mind went to the worst scenario thinking there’s no way you would ever be this cruel. You’re my best friend and my person. I feel as though the…

I wish I could reach out and undo all the hurt I caused. I wished we had met under different circumstances in a world that didn't require us to alter ourselves to survive. I hate that I decided we weren't fighting for because I was afraid that it meant many disappointments. I just didn't want to keep competing when…