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I miss you.
And I think what makes this so ******* hard is that I don’t just miss whatever happened between us romantically. I miss being your friend. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing your random thoughts and your weird stories and your gaming adventures. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your voice and your laugh. I miss the way your brain works. I miss just knowing you and having you in my life again.
I didn’t reconnect with you expecting any of this. I genuinely just missed my old friend. And somewhere along the way, I caught feelings for you again. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t go into this trying to make something happen. It just ******* happened.
And I think that’s why everything afterward hurt so much. Because it wasn’t some random guy I barely knew. It was you. Someone I’d cared about since I was young. Someone I’d already loved as a friend before I ever started looking at you differently.
And then there’s that last night.
I have these fragmented little memories of it. Pieces that keep coming back to me. Your face. Your hair underneath my fingers. Your voice. Your laugh. The way it felt being close to you. Kissing you. Things you said to me. Little moments that somehow stuck even though so much of the night is just… missing.
I hate that I don’t remember all of it. I wish I did. I wish I could put all those little pieces back together and know exactly what happened, what you were thinking, what you felt, whether you had a good time, whether any of it meant something to you beyond that night.
But even with the pieces I’m missing, I know what I felt.
And I miss that closeness, yeah. I miss your face and your hair and your stupid beard and the way it felt to have my hands on you. But honestly, that’s not even the biggest thing.
I miss my friend.
I miss the person I could talk to about random ****. I miss knowing what was going on in your head. I miss the little everyday pieces of you that I never realized were becoming important to me.
I wish I could’ve just kept being your friend without catching feelings. I wish I could’ve gone back to having you in my life and been satisfied with that.
But I fell for you.
And that’s what makes losing you feel so ******* complicated. Because I didn’t just lose someone I wanted romantically. I lost someone I’d already loved in a completely different way first.
I miss you. Not just what happened. Not just how you made me feel.
I miss you.
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