Unsent text message to Nicholas

it suppresses traumatic memories and over time, makes it so the pain goes away too

😔

I get it, maybe I deserve it, but dang you still take forever to reply.

I want to talk to you about what’s happening. I want to know what you think. I want to know how you felt back then. I want to know you again. Just hurry up and reply!

You could have talked to me. I could have been there for you.

I do think you shut me out because you didn't love me or want me anymore. Because if you did love me, why wouldn't you try to talk to me? Give me the opportunity to fix things?

You made me feel like I wasn't worth loving because I was struggling and not…

I burned up your letters. My memory suits me better. Changed my name, made my move. I'm not the one who laid beside you. Forget before and close that door.

You will never know how my heart twists in pain every-time I think of you. I let silent tears drop till my collars are wet but I know I can’t reach for you. You are not real. You are just a figment of my imagination of what could be. A phantom I created in my head. Just potential. Not a person. A fantasy. An illusion…

Since the separation, the world has felt empty, and every path seems unfamiliar. I no longer know where I’m going or where I truly belong. My days keep passing, life goes on, and I do everything I’m supposed to do I show up, I talk, I laugh when I’m expected to, and I keep moving as if everything is perfectly fine…