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Sometimes I really think about k— myself. Just to make it stop. I would never do it I’m not that weak. But it weighs on me. Today I thought abt h— from the tree at that house. Too many people would miss me. Maybe not that many. Just my family and maybe a few people Ive met a long the way. I’ve wronged everyone I’ve ever loved. I love you and I consistently hurt you. Honestly I love K shes a good soul and I hurt her seeing you over Christmas. Idk why I always behaved the way I did in the relationship. Why I always thought there was something better out there. I tried going to therapy and that guy was slow. He would ask questions and he wouldn’t even understand what he was asking, or articulate it well. Idk maybe he just wasn’t a good fit and I need a different guy. Idk. I regret a lot of what happened here and it still sticks with me. The idea of never being with you again ***** me. I saw a reel today of some dude in Ireland who fell in love with this girl and she went to visit her sister in America and she fell in love with someone else. Till 96 he dated, and danced, and was rejected, and kissed, but still he wanted her to come back. He didn’t feel love with anyone else like her. I said I didn’t want to be 40 going through a divorce. But I don’t want to be 96 in lonely either wishing to see you on the other side. You’ll be fine. You’re always fine. You probably have another bf you love, found yourself the cowboy I told you to go find. I hope we find our way back to each other. But at the same time, I hope you’re just happy. I just wish it could be happy with me. Is there not a way back? Will there never be a way back?
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