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I don't mean that I'm going to sit here and put my life on hold. I don't mean I'm going to keep reaching out, trying to persuade you, or waiting for some imaginary date when you'll suddenly be ready.
I'm living. I'm working. I'm making friends. I'm swimming and cycling and singing and laughing and building a life that actually feels like mine again. I'm learning how to be okay without you, which is something I desperately needed to learn.
But none of that has made me stop loving you.
I miss you so ******* much.
I miss talking to you. I miss making you laugh. I miss cooking with you and waking up next to you. I miss your face. Your body. Your ridiculous little ways of doing things. I miss your stupid hat with the letter M. I miss hearing about your day. I miss the completely ordinary parts of loving you that I didn't realise would leave such enormous holes when they disappeared.
And despite everything that has happened between us, some part of me still thinks: not yet.
Not never. Just not yet.
Maybe that's foolish. Maybe one day I'll realise I've stopped waiting without even noticing. Maybe I'll meet somebody else. Maybe you will. Maybe our lives will move so far apart that this becomes something beautiful and painful that happened to us once.
But right now, if I'm completely truthful, I don't want somebody else.
I want you.
Not the relationship we had. I don't want to go back to the fear, the chasing, the withdrawing, the misunderstandings, or the ways we hurt each other. I don't want either of us back in that relationship.
I want to know who we could be after all of this.
I want to see what this could be with you having the space you need and me being secure on my own.
I want to see what it would look like if we're both ready for love.
So I'm not going to chase you.
I'm not going to put my life on hold for you either.
But there is still a place in my heart where the door isn't closed.
I love you. I miss you.
And, for now, I think I want to wait.
💜🌬
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