Unsent text message to Destiny

i have nothing to say. not right now. not tomorrow. not on tuesday.

i can't think of a single thing i want to say to you. i don't want to share music with you anymore. i don't want to rate our days. i don't want to hear you shrink my box even more.

maybe i'll just stare at a wall. or you. until i start crying. and…

I finally remembered my god dang safe word. Banana, it was banana. Weird, I know but please for the love of God, this is me using my safe word.

You know what else really ******* sucks about all of this? The shame and embarassment I feel for myself for feeling how I felt about you and how kind and generous I was with you when in the end you didn't give a **** at all.

I don't think you did anything with any malicious intent but I still feel tricked, lied to. Why…

To the first person who made me feel safe emotionally…I’ve always felt safe physically. I don’t need you, but I do. Not for the ways you think. I just can’t hold myself…even though I can mow the yard.

A year ago today, we celebrated your brother’s birthday. You were so important to me that I automatically loved him even though we had never met. I went out of my way to be sure he felt special on his day. And it made me happy to. Little did I know, this day would be one of our last. Only a week later would be…

It’s been 3 months and 19 days. That’s 15 weeks and 6 days. That’s 111 days. (Angel number) That 2,688 hours. That’s 161,270. That’s 9,676,260..1..2..3..4 seconds. Since the last time you touched me. Since the last time you yelled in my face. Since you threatened me. Since you took what wasn’t yours. And never again..