Unsent text message to Madison

You know what else really ******* sucks about all of this? The shame and embarassment I feel for myself for feeling how I felt about you and how kind and generous I was with you when in the end you didn't give a **** at all.

I don't think you did anything with any malicious intent but I still feel tricked, lied to. Why…

To the first person who made me feel safe emotionally…I’ve always felt safe physically. I don’t need you, but I do. Not for the ways you think. I just can’t hold myself…even though I can mow the yard.

A year ago today, we celebrated your brother’s birthday. You were so important to me that I automatically loved him even though we had never met. I went out of my way to be sure he felt special on his day. And it made me happy to. Little did I know, this day would be one of our last. Only a week later would be…

It’s been 3 months and 19 days. That’s 15 weeks and 6 days. That’s 111 days. (Angel number) That 2,688 hours. That’s 161,270. That’s 9,676,260..1..2..3..4 seconds. Since the last time you touched me. Since the last time you yelled in my face. Since you threatened me. Since you took what wasn’t yours. And never again..

I know we have a really strong connection, both physically and emotionally, and I don't think either of us can deny that. But part of me wishes you loved me the way I love you.

I don't actually know that you don't, and maybe that's the part that scares me. But after 15 years of us finding our way back to each other…

So please don’t let me lose her