Unsent text message to Jesse

I think I miss you too much today. I don't even know what to do with myself. I’ve mentioned your name so many times today. I even texted you a picture of our restaurant to see if you remembered which table we used to eat at. And then I wanted to tell you that I miss you. But I couldn't. Is saying “I miss you”…

Oh ya … no we are done … you can’t communicate . I’m good. It was our date night and I don’t need someone who can’t communicate little alone when we are long distance …

J,

I know I caused it. I know this feeling is of my own doing. It's been 9 months since we talked. You are still on my mind constantly.

But I still miss you. I still want you.

I hate myself for hurting you. I hope you don't think about me. I hope you don't care anymore. I hope someone is loving you the way you deserve…

There's no way to tell you this, but the pain still hits me sometimes out of nowhere. You appeared in my dreams fairly recently, but your eyes were reproachful.

It feels like the beginning of a book. There is so much to say, and once again, I have to be clever with my words, at the risk of binding myself to that trap…

Dude is a ******* pathetic loser who should stop being a whiny ***** about people using him. People wouldnt "use him" if he had any substance of a personality. After a ******* week I care more about "the fleabag" than I ever have or will about him. He complains about ****, but doesnt do anything to fix his lack of a…

Ugh. Im better at it now. And, I think I'm going to do it mostly alone this time. Just work, the gym, school, and most of all recovery. No more getting my heart broken by broken people. Just growth, grieving and God. And it's totally all good good. Everything will be okay. We will be okay. I'm sorry we can't find love…