iMessage
There's no way to tell you this, but the pain still hits me sometimes out of nowhere. You appeared in my dreams fairly recently, but your eyes were reproachful.
It feels like the beginning of a book. There is so much to say, and once again, I have to be clever with my words, at the risk of binding myself to that trap that I've been trying to escape all these years.
We were never going to find firm ground, and that's the painful terrible truth of it. I couldn't wait to see you. And then one day I couldn't wait to never see you again.
We were two frenetic teenage girls who knew each other since childhood, kissed each other passionately, and held each other's hands. Then one day you moved out of state with your family and it was the end of us. But we didn't know it would be so hard.
It's been 16 years since the fights and your stonewalling and subsequent blocking me so I wouldn't have any way of messaging you. And I know for a fact that you don't want to talk to me. We're both in our mid-30's now, married to other people.
But then, why did you write me that email about 10 years ago...? I believe you asked me how I'm doing.
I guess I'm doing well.
I'm not even sure if I'm actually in pain anymore over this, or if it's already left my body and I am left bobbing side to side, drifting like a buoy in a vast ocean.
So I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you this. You probably don't even want to hear it, even though you forgave me. But I wish I could tell you straightforwardly, and with a slight feeling of nausea, that I never lost feelings for you. They never went anywhere. I found myself thinking about you or wondering what could've been between us.
When we were 17, I'm sorry I confused you. I know it was my fault for saying I needed a break, but I didn't know what else to do.
When we were 18, I'm sorry for spamming you with calls and emails.
When we were 19, I'm sorry for whatever heartbreak you were still going through.
When we were 20 and onward, I'm sorry we never got to witness each other's lives unfolding and see each other's milestones in life.
And I'm sorry that I didn't choose you.
I was too young, I didn't know what I wanted yet. All I felt was overwhelmed and anxious that you weren't communicating with me as much.
I hope you still hold on to some kind of hope. Even if that hope is waterlogged and dying.
Message Unsent