Unsent text message to John

I got blackout drunk the night you told me. I said I would never do that. I know you don’t want me to do that still but it’s finally my life now. I ******* loved it. Loved every second. You were scared, you’ve seen it ruin people and didn’t want that to happen to me. I smoked some weed too. It’s been three weeks but…

Tonight, I lay here in bed, in a house full of people and all I can think about is you. Maybe it’s the 3 glasses of wine speaking. Maybe it’s the meaning behind this weekend. But all I can think of is you. I miss you. And you don’t even deserve that. You hurt me so badly.

I miss who you were before it all went wrong…

I told you something last summer as if it was a passing whim or a folly. Maybe then not now. I have gone bat 💩 since then. While you may be under the impression that i am quite recovered. I am actually crazed in some new way. Don’t be afraid. I will be composed.

I’m so ******* tired of how I’ve been treated. I would have moved the world for you. When you were hurting, I cared. When you were scared, I wanted you to feel safe. I tried to understand you, give you space, forgive, reassure, and constantly look at what I could do better. And somehow I ended up feeling like my own…

It’s been awhile since I talked to you. Yes, since I talked to you. Because you never talked to me, it was always me closing the gap.

Shoulda been a sign enough huh?

But then I get to thinking sometimes, less often now than back then. I wasn’t making this up. Whatever THIS is.. was.

So anyways I been so busy in my real…

You know this is for you. Please read this and think back to 2022:

“I wish you all the best. Sorry we didn’t make it together. I’ll always think of you.”

I hope this jogs your memory.

\- Forever yours.