Unsent text message to Barbara

since we've discussed me being trapped in a box, if you're going to keep me in there, can it at least be love-shaped?

With heart.

Over the last week this sr has been I think extremely helpful in getting out all of the things I can’t say to you because I’m blocked. Kind of praying that you’d be lurking and see them but mostly that you don’t. Anyway I’ve finally come to realize (begrudgingly af) that I deserve so much better. I wouldn’t tolerate…

for what I did. i did what needed to be done to save myself. no one was looking out for me, so I had too. I’m sure you understand that, it’s something you do for yourself. you were slowing ******* me with lies and betrayal and calling it love. why? why go through all that work when I wasn’t even who you wanted? just…

What was the point of all of this? Why would you put me through it? I thought we connected… or did we? It felt different this time, or at least I thought it did. Now I don’t know if it was all a lie. Can’t you see how fragile I am? I let you inside my inner world, finally, just for a second. I was brave. I wondered if…

I don’t know why I still think about you. Maybe it’s the way you carried yourself like the weight of the world belonged on your shoulders. Maybe it’s because beneath all that toughness, I always suspected there was something softer hiding underneath. You were never subtle. Everything about you was loud, your presence…

As much as it hurts me to say this id rather you be happy than to selfishly try to keep you to myself. Even though I do wish youd come back. I want to say your name so bad right now God I wish I could see your pretty little smile again. I feel like my hearts been ripped out and thrown against the wall right now. I…