Unsent text message to Noah

I typed a long message, but I backspaced and deleted it all. I think it could all be put in a simple question.

I guess, a part of me really wants to know, if at any point in time did you feel the same way… As what I felt about you?

I've always had undeniable feelings for you from the day we met. Now that we are both exploring those feelings together, there is so much I want to say. It's too soon of course but after 5 years of friendship, you know me too well. You know what every sound I make, every facial expression means. I'll never be able to…

It’s actually so annoying that I do and I’m on this ******* website again writing this but I do

It’s not like a switch I can just turn on and off, you know

I suppose you still don’t know me well enough to know how devoted I get when I choose someone

It’s frustrating bc no matter what I say you’re going to doubt it too…

I know now that you never loved me. Yes, we are both happy now but you should have done the right thing by not screwing my chances with true happiness 5 years ago with someone who had the capacity to love me the way I need. I don't care if you think they are beneath me. They show me love, the way I've only dreamt of…

“You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.” Then why did you ******* leave me?

how is someone supposed to cope with just having to see someone who mutilated them? with knowing they never faced consequences? that they're just walking around free, probably doing it to others?

how am i supposed to live in a world where i have to see leathertongue at my doctor's office?