iMessage
I dreamt about you. You forgave me for the pain I caused you and allowed me to treat you softly and gently again, my sweet boy. We shared a bed again. Yet when I awoke in real life, I was alone. I’m crying again for the first time since we last spoke. Some moments I think I’m fine, I’m content with being single. I broke up with you didn’t I? I wanted to be single (though I never imagined you leaving my life entirely). I’m the one who ruined our relationship with my impulses and lack of self control. With my substance abuse and horrid lack of consideration of your feelings while you weren’t there. It pains me so badly that you’re happier now than when we were together, and that it’s all my fault. I don’t understand myself at all. I feel so much love and adoration for you, and would cross mountains to be in your arms right now, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay loyal while we were together. I don’t know how or why I could care more about wanting to ‘experience life’ by kissing and touching other people, than about the pain that would cause my sweet boy. There’s no excuse for that, I’m simply a horrible person like you’ve said. I want to change myself so badly but at the same time, I can’t bring myself to care enough to do that when you say you would never want me back anyway. You definitely deserve someone better than me, like you’ve said. So I’ll let you do that, despite how everything in me wants to send this to you just for the possibility of one more chance, which despite wanting it so badly I also know wouldn’t be right for either of us right now. I just hope that you can forgive me one day so that you can let go of the resentment and anger and sadness and be emotionally ready to build a relationship with someone who will make you happy and treat you how I wish I had treated you: with respect.
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