iMessage
I would never send this to her but… As time passes, I learn more and more about myself. Slowly I’ve been dissecting my own psychology preparing to rebuild. Acknowledging all my trauma, trying my best to be superhuman in a sense of awareness of my own being. I think often about how my trauma impacted our relationship in many ways. My responses, my recklessness. My “at the end of the day, we will die, let’s giggle now and be happy” or my “****, this sucks, let’s kiss and **** the pain away”. Sometimes I think there’s a world where we kept that baby out there in the multiverse. A world where I’m not 32 completely alone living in a basement feeling as though I’ve reverted into who I was pre September 2021 back in my ******** place of origin. Part of me truly believes I really did sabotage us. Part of me would rather die than fully trust you to have that baby. Maybe you are evil, and it all was just a big plan that got carried away so you could get papers and child support. Either way, I loved you. I suffered immensely to be near you for as long as I did. Even after we split the second time, I moved 45 minutes away and lived alone for a year. You’ll never know what that feels like. I could’ve made so many bad decisions. But I just sat alone in my box and cried into my microphone. Stay off my mind please. Money and ****** can only save what’s left of me now. Unless a miracle happens and I meet someone that can break down these walls.
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