iMessage
I needed to ramble so I wrote this unsent message to my ex. I need help its awful that I still miss him
"I miss you and I hate that I miss you. I hate you and I want you to come back. you are the only person who has clicked just right. maybe I'm the pathetic one, I mean, I've only dated one person this whole time. and look at you dating so many people in the span of 4 months, just... everyone's type, worthy of.... everyone's love. worthy of being happy. Maybe I only want you to message me so I feel less pathetic. I'm so scared that I'm actually the problem but working everything in therapy and actually reviewing everything you were so manipulative and self centered. a man child. it wasnt my fault that I couldnt handle dating someone who's emotional and maturity level was equivalent to a toddlers. I know I'm not the best person. I self sabotage, I get overwhelmed super easily, I can get super defensive, I say mean things as humor without even thinking of. I suck. I wish i didn't suck. as much as I've missed you, you've also ruined my life. I've started isolating, self sabotaging in the fear that I am a bad person. I've stopped myself entirely from taking chances, meeting people. I'm terrified that the things you said are true. that i'm jealous, manipulative, controlling, avoidant. My therapist started to tell me to look logically at everything. which we both know is what I'm best at. We went through every situation together and everything seemed to show you being the worst one out of the two of us. but what if I manipulated my own therapist. ugh. I hate this. I wish I never met you. that way I would never have to deal with missing you so much, That way I wouldn't have to have the experience of basically gentle parenting a man child. I know its stupid but I've gotten a newly awaken hope that'll you'll message me. It because of all the tarot readings I've seen on my tiktok feed saying an ex may be coming back. its stupid. I hate you. I miss you."
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