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It’s been twenty years. We’ve both moved on, both built completely separate lives, and both raised children of our own. It’s been fifteen years since you stopped by my work on your way home from basic training—you were just passing through my state, but you didn't have to stop. Yet you did. It's was the last time I saw you, I remember that final hug and the light conversation. It was only five minutes, but it was still a wonderful moment.
There is still a dull ache at times—a quiet feeling that something is missing. I’ve spent the last twenty years accidentally looking for you in every person I’ve met. I actually just realized this not long ago. It wasnt actually a conscious effort on my part. Unsurprisingly, no one has ever treated me as well or accepted me as unconditionally as you did. Because of that high standard, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life alone. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
People love to write things off as "just teenage love" or "just a phase," but it wasn't. We were just kids growing up in the early days of the internet, navigating distance as best we could. We met online at eleven and were close friends for years before anything ever shifted. During the years my family’s true colors came to light, you were my safe harbor. You were one of the greatest comforts of my life.
After we ended things at eighteen, we both genuinely tried to maintain our friendship. But at twenty-two, out of respect for you, your now-wife, and your future together, I stepped back when she reached out to ask for that space. I chose to walk away because your happiness meant far more to me than holding onto a friendship. I was never trying to disrupt your life; I only ever wanted life to treat you with softness and gentleness.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when we were sixteen and just love you quietly, so we could have stayed friends for the rest of our lives. But you will always hold a warm, permanent place in my heart and in my memories.
I wish I could tell you about all the adventures I've had since then—the things I've seen and done. I'd leave out all the heavy, dark parts, or at least make them seem a lot lighter than they were. I hope you've had your share of adventures, too. Maybe one day the universe will see fit to let us catch up.
I just wanted you to know that after all these years, I still think of you. xx
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