Unsent text message to Mary

Why is it that every time I think I’ve gotten better at living my own life and distancing myself from you in my heart, every time I get anxious and frustrated at myself, I just want you here?

The constant effort to not think about you and all that has become so exhausting. Small moments keep popping up in my mind like intrusive thoughts and then I’m back to the beginning.

If only you understood what I was going through, if only you would just care a little about how it was for me. If only you emotionally…

I will pick up with writing more often. I just lack the motivation and energy to do so right now.

It used to be easy because I would procrastinate on my todo list and write instead. It was like a mini adrenaline dump or a fight or flight response so it came naturally to me.

But I don’t like the style that I was writing…

Batman I have an embarrassing confession I looked at your tictok pfp again I just wanted to see if it still broke my heart it does I don’t know why I can’t let you go we were toxic all we did was fight and hurt each other So why can’t I stand seeing you with her? Why do I love you and hate you at the same time Why do…

I feel sick. I am lost. I haven’t reached out because I know.. I know my happiness can’t be dependent on you.. I am trying so hard to be strong, move on. I am trying so hard not to think about you. About the hospital. About every time I closed my eyes and I saw yours. They say your brain tries to find calming things…

Even thought I left me and cheated yea I said some **** I were ******* another dude ? I was infuriated *** you expect