iMessage
It's been so long and I just wish I could apologize. I've done the inner work - you were right, we both had to, it wasn't our time then. Here I am now, a new me. And with everything I've learned about the things that go on in our brains, and the things that afflict you which may have caused and steered the things you did when you really tried not to hurt me, today I just feel sad. I have so much compassion for you and I wish I could just hold you in my arms tonight, stroke your hair and let you know that you'll be safe with me.
I still dream of the hammock in your garden, the hummingbirds and the roses, the sunshine and the blue sky. And in the middle of it: you, with your head on my chest.
Was I an idiot. I was so broken and I didn't even know it. You opened my wounds, cleaned and disinfected them. That hurt like hell but that's what it takes to heal. It hurt, but you didn't injure me. Others had, and because of that I wasn't strong enough to care for the both of us when you needed me to.
You left thinking I deserved better. I was left thinking you didn't value me. Now we are two broken hearts, on two continents, mourning the versions of ourselves we wanted to be.
I have become that version. And I so wish I could reach for you tonight, to make everything okay. We were so close to bliss, we just lacked the emotional vocabulary. It's been months since I last told you that I love you and it's still the thing I want to scream from the rooftops and whisper in your ear. I miss your voice. I miss the endless late night phone calls and you scolding me for having energy drinks the next morning.
I felt your love back then, I really did. I know you loved me so much and that you couldn't really show it because the demons in your mind held you back. But I knew. I know. The broken child in me reacted to the wrong things, but I felt the love and I carry it inside me every day.
And if you ever feel safe enough to speak to me, strong enough to repair us, brave enough to face your demons - you won't face them alone. I'll be there, leveled up with extra armor from my side quests.
I love you eternally, and I wish that you're happy. Maybe someday our paths cross again, like you said you hoped they would. I miss you so unbelievably much.
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