Unsent text message to Susan

Hey Babe

Feels like we’ve finally cracked the enigma code.

Feeling very settled, safe and happy, it’s enabling me to read and rest.

Sorry I’ve not been as present, I’ve been making the most of the quiet periods. Feels good right…

Why is it that every time I think I’ve gotten better at living my own life and distancing myself from you in my heart, every time I get anxious and frustrated at myself, I just want you here?

I feel genuine fear, when I miss you. Because then I think maybe you miss me too, or you're probably still trying to forget me and what we were. We're strangers again, yet there's this feeling of closeness because of the people in our lives, the things we've been through.

I feel scared, that these memories I'm still…

and say I love you to myself silently every night, still. I miss you so much it makes my heart physically ache. I wish things hadn't devolved the way they did, and that we could have, at the very least, remained friends. I'll never stop wanting you. Love you, goodnight.

My heart and my head are at constant odds Trying to figure out if I’m responsible for you or not I have two different stories playing out in my head at any given moment one where I leave and one where I stay Logically I know that I deserve more and deserve better but my heart feels the hurt it would cause you and our…

For abandoning myself so willingly. You checked out 3 months in. I stuck around 3 more years. I’m actually embarrassed even though no ever ‘perceived’ our relationship. How ****** is that.